Love Lesson's: Ages Versus Stages

FOR JACKIE because she's been wanting me to post for weeks. Feel better, Be better.

I think its inevitable to write about things that are going on in your life. Well as you all know one consistent theme in my life, at this point, is love, or the releasing of love and the revaluation that release causes. The fact that love and the surrounding issues are so nuanced I could write about love day in and day out and not do the same post twice. So here I go again. For a while I wanted to create a post that spoke to the idea that age/stage is a key issue when not only falling in love but being in a strong committed, sustained relationship that last for a significant amount of time. The reason I use the term significant is because I don't believe that good, loving relationships will always last forever. While a relationship that last 25 years and ends in a divorce is sad, I also think its bit of a triumph. Truthfully, how many partnerships can you say actually last for that long, not many; and for this reason I believe that relationship to be successful, in some form or fashion.

I digress, over the course of the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about a couple of things. The first is how important age is to love. While there is no specific time table that measures experiences and growth, there are stages that typical correlate to the age of a person. Typically, as I've found the younger you are the more ideal your design of love. With youth comes that notion that love will always be that burning fire, those butterflies that flutter every time you see him/her or think his/her name. As a romantic I can truly appreciate this. While passion, that deep burning is important, with age or better yet depending on the stage of life you are in you begin to realize that that feeling will burn down, down not out, over the course of time. The blazing fire will become a pile of smoldering embers, popping sporadically to remind you of how much you still love the person you are with, what it felt like to be new and in love and that you are still in love. With the idea of commitment, the idea that you will be with someone for the rest of your days (ideally and hopefully), the understanding that they and you will be there, with and for each other, the newness and uncertainty that leads to butterflies is replaced by the comfort and tranquility that that person is there and always will be.

However the caveat is that you must be at a certain stage in life to understand and appreciate this. That stage, typically but not always aligned with age, that leads to forever because you've done "for right now", and you've moved on. Its that stage where you want to share life instead of taking it on by yourself. When you get to that stage and know it, not in theory but in practical certainty its a beautiful thing. Because that takes time I offer some advice that I heard, oddly enough on television, that I would give my sister, my students or any female loved one to carry with them and unwrap when the time is right, and that stage has come.

The first came from the show Las Vegas. Yeah I know its not a place where you would expect to find good advice, but this was some I agreed with and would pass on. Two women, one older and widowed, the other younger and unattached talk relationships. The older ask the younger about her love life, and the response is to the effect that she can't seem to get that on track, she can't compromise. The older lady then responds that finding a happy relationship and creating a happy, successful marriage isn't as much about compromise as it is about finding someone who honestly takes joy and pleasure in watching you do the things you love to do. I think that that is important and worthwhile. Finding a partner that honestly takes happiness in your happiness is key. As a man who has been in love I took a great deal of joy watching, enjoying and participating in those endeavors that my significant other loved doing. While it hasn't worked out (finding the one) yet this is something that I will take with me to each significant relationship from here on out. Be mindful that it works both ways, but I'm speaking directly to the women in my life, those who have been in my life or those who have been nice enough to read this blog.

The second came from a webclip I saw of The View, yes that The View. Anyway, the panel was discussing an internet list of things women should discuss with their teenage daughters. Some of it was a bit out there, but plausible, like 7 ways to say no to anal sex, others were on point. This one was on point. It struck me because it is something that I would tell my sister, my students or anyone I loved. "When you marry (commit) to someone make sure its someone that genuinely cares about you, because when the passion and love fade the caring will remain until the passion and love return." I just think that is profound. Sometimes we go with what feels good, what feels amazing, no matter how temporary and we do it at the cost of that which is enduring, sustaining and nourishing. Like I said before, I've been in love, parts of me still love them, but what allows me to be able to say with all certainty that if someone I loved needed me to do something, I would, it's because I cared, I care and I still do. So to my sister, my students, my friends and former loves, find that one that loves you, loves hard but make sure they care even harder, because in 1 year, 10 years, 20 years when you hit a rough patch caring will be the reason that they pick up your favorite candy bar while at the store just to make you feel better. Caring is the reason you stay around when you love someone but you don't like them (at that moment in time). Caring keeps you there.

Love Lessons: Unrequited Love

I've been asked by a few people when I would post something new. Since my post have been sporadic and slow coming as of late I think that today I will post two. Both post will of course be inspired by my life's events and things that I've been going through. As you may or may not know recently, over these past few months, I've been coping with the lose of love. While it seems that everyone will at some point in time have to face the lose of someone they love, the lose I refer to can be catorgorized more as unrequited love; a first for me. If you are unfamiliar with unrequited love, as I have been to this point, let me explain to you what it is. Unrequited love occurs when you love someone in a certain way and the object of you affection does not feel the same way. They may love you, but they're not "in love with you" or they just may like you, but harbor no feelings of love whatsoever. Regardless of how it plays out, the fact remains they way you feel about them is not the way they feel about you, and no amount of prayer, loving words or actions, crying, negotiating or pure hurt will change that fact.

The hardest thing in the world to go through emotionally, aside from having someone that you love die, is to figure out that the person you want to be with, and perhaps are with, no longer wants to be with you; to come to grips with the fact that the person that you love being with, that you love with every fiber of your being no longer loves you in that same way and perhaps never did. To realize that you are in love with someone, perhaps still, and they have moved beyond you, they have moved on to the possibility of another or the sheer enjoyment of life without you can be a crushing thing; but the first step to getting better is to realize this and to accept it, as difficult as that maybe. Acceptance is tricky; like happiness it can be fickle and fleeting. What feels like total acceptance of a situation may turn into a total regression of feelings in a matter of minutes. Nonetheless, acceptance is the key and first step to moving forward, no matter how long this takes.

You may be wondering what lesson of love you can get when the love you have for someone isn't returned. I wondered the same thing myself and still do from time to time. What I've figured out is that for me its learning to love love in all facets. I am person who has professed and confessed to loving love. I have always been someone who enjoys sharing myself with someone and loving them for them; and until this point I have ALWAYS been loved in return. I guess I just figured that this is how it would go for me. Anyone I would love would love me in return because of the way I approach love, the way I respect love, the way cherish love, the way I exalt love, and by extension the way in which I treat the people I love, especially the person that I'm "in love with". If I would open my heart to them then they surely would open their heart to me. I always felt that when I was lucky enough to find that one that I would do anything for, she would do anything for me. To share space with someone, side by side, backing each other's play, we could get through anything. In love all things would be possible. I was wrong...and that hurts. It hurts with a sting that only those who have been through it know.

So the question remains, what lesson do I get from this. Well the lesson is more of a test, at least from where I sit. Simply put I was asked, "do you truly love love or do you just love the good parts of it?" Its truly easy to love something, love, your life, your spouse, your career, when things are going well, but to love them when they are going like shit is something totally different. For me love is paramount. Its that thing that gives us hope and keeps us fighting for something or someone when really we should just walk away. Its that thing that allows us victory in these same situations. Its that thing that recreates memories of fondness so when we're faced with these challenges again, we turn to love, find hope and fight once more. But in order to truly and wholly appreciate love or anything else we must understand it in its totality, good and bad, joyous and hurtful, wonderful and destructive, and embrace it all; love it all, and still believe in what it is or was that we believed in in the first place.

So, Ask me, "do you still love love?" and I'll say yes indeed, even though at present time my heartache is a loveache, love still is love and I take comfort in that.

YOU GOT THE GLOOOOOW! (Say it like the song in the Last Dragon)

While composing a couple of dual post for the love lessons series, which will be posted tomorrow, I was thumbing over a couple of internet gossip rags. Yeah, yeah I'm not really one for the whole celebrity gossip thing, an Eleanor Roosevelt quote always comes to mind when I read them, but I was struck by pictures of Christian Milan. If you know then you probably could guess that I think the star vocalist of the "dip it low" video is and always has been a hottie. This Cuban sister of African descent could definitely fall under the "she can get it category" easy. Well, as it stands now, this young lady is pregnant, carrying the baby of her husband "the Dream". (That relationship continues to baffle me, but to each their own).

All at once I am struck with how naturally beautiful I think pregnant women are. I've felt this way for a long time, and I've been told that many other men feel the same way. This, however is a testament to my appreciation for the female form when it is with child. The pregnant glow, the naturally smooth and clear complexion (not everyone has this but when they do its wonderful), the baby bump, the full, plump face. The overall presence and aura of a pregnant women, one who is in tune with her body and is enjoying her pregnancy, who is truly growing as a mother as the baby in her womb grows is an amazing thing. Even the stretch of the belly that comes with a growing, healthy baby is appealing. I truly do love women in all their feminine glory and pregnant women hold a special place in that pantheon.

In my head

I got a lyric in my head right now that reminds me of somebody I know. Its my favorite lyric right now.

"she got an ass that'll swallow up a g-string, and on top, two bee stings"

I love that line!

Fat Ass Nation!

So I'm eating some ice cream that I picked up from target, no not target brand ice cream, not their market pantry brand or even their upscale archer farms brand. It was Bryer's, special edition. Anyway I'm eating the ice cream, aptly named Summer Peach Pie, when I bite into something in the ice cream a bit more solid than most ice cream should be, and a bit less mushy than the peaches I expected to find. After a few more chews and a slight swallow it dawned on me that what I just bit into was pie crust; and it tasted damned good!

The second thing that dawned on me was how far ice cream has come. Whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing is up for debate. Think about, when I was young, you know kid age, the only thing that went into ice cream was flavor, fruit and the occasional marshmallow, or mashmallow, as a friend of mind calls them, to make rocky road ice cream. Hell rocky road was the wild child of ice cream, and by default probably the father to all these bastard flavors that add little pieces of everything to them to make them work.

But I digress. The point is that the design of ice cream has become limitless. Go to any store and you can find just about anything in your ice cream. You kind find ice cream with pieces of candy bar in them. You can find multi flavored ice cream with little pieces of twinkies and cupcakes in them. You can find peppermint candy pieces in ice cream, this might be a Christmas treat, but it is made. They all have funky names, like the aforementioned as well as Fish Food or Candy Cane. I figure you can even find ice cream with little pieces of hash in it, call it puppy chow and the public will eat it up.

My question is simple, when did we become such a fat ass nation that we wanted to combine one sweet wonderful junk food, with another junk food and feel no shame. The plain old fattening ice cream wasn't pleasing enough that we had incorporate the cake right into the ice cream! (Shout out to Coldstone's strawberry shortcake design. Thanks lady O for the heads up). Or maybe we did feel shame about pigging out on two sugary snacks, so we fooled ourselves into thinking that if we eat both together then we are only eating one fatty ass food. Either way the direction of the dessert, while wonderful to the taste buds is a bit troubling and indicative of a society built on indulgence. The accessibility of anything at anytime combined with any other thing maybe a troubling for a long term prognosis for generations to come. I'm not really sure, but then again what can I expect from a society that has bought us the fried twinkie, the fried twix and fried coke, and I ain't talking about the kind that Richard Pryor's grandmomma scolded him for flushing down the toilet. Ummm Coke.

Thanks Ben and Jerry's! Job well done. Take that for what its worth. I'm off to have a scoop of pie or a slice of ice cream, I'm not sure which one.

My Romantic Heroes

As you may or may not know the last 6 weeks have been a bit crappy. I lost my girl, for all the right reasons, I've got into a bit of a minor legal scrape and I'm not too sure of my direction anymore. If you would have seen me 8 weeks ago I wouldn't be singing this tune. My tune would have been a bit more up and a bit more focused. As always my blog represents me, where I am, what I am feeling, how I am doing. To that end these entries represent the void that the departure of love represents, the way in which I heal from that and what I hold on to when going through the process of getting better. Thus the section entitled Love's Embrace. Its a way that I hold on to the idea of romantic love while coping with the idea of losing that love that I hold so dear. So, another of the methods of coping is to remember and now to pen a few of my romantic heroes. What's a romantic hero you might ask? A romantic hero is that person or couple that exemplifies romance in the way that they approach love. Perhaps they dove in feet first, perhaps they held a candle for one another for years only to come back into the love with one another that they were always meant to have . There are other kinds of romantic heroes to be sure, but these are just my examples. So along with entries for Love's Embrace there will also be entries for my romantic heroes with an explanation of why they are what they are.

Romantic Heroes

1. Carl and Ray Skinner: While in Jamaica in the year 2003 I told the then Raymona Chin, after overhearing a piece of a conversation, well actually the way in which she spoke with her new boyfriend over the phone, that she would indeed marry him. I gave an estimate of 6 months (I believe) and she said no; at least not in that time frame, they had only been dating 2.5 months. Contemporary thinking, not enough time. My thought, based on my feelings, it would happen. Upon my arrival back in the states, maybe a month passes, a month and a half, when I receive a phone call. Who is it? You guessed it, Ray. She tells me that she and Carl are getting married...that day! For those you doing the math, the amount of time they spent in a dating relationship, 4 months. Of course I did the only I could do, get my clothes together, hop in my truck and high tail it to the Orange County Courthouse where they got married.

Its been 6 years since they tied the knot. Now they have their ups and downs like any other married couple I'm sure, but they're doing it! They've done it! At this point if anything happens to their relationship, which I truly doubt and hope against, its not because they married too soon but because it just didn't work. That's the thing, they've already beat the odds with the way in which they married. They dove right in when it felt right. The ran with love and they won, or they are winning. Anytime you fight for love and make it work, anytime you step out on faith and feeling you're doing what should be done; you're trusting love. My Heroes.

2. Jacky's Parents: Just the other day I was discussing the idea of romantic heroes with a friend of mine. We were discussing the idea of love and romance and stepping out on faith. She relayed to me the story of her parents, well her mother and step father. The story goes something like this. Her mother was a bit of a travel agent who created vacation packages for tourist to Miami. She put everything together, the itinerary, the meals, the places to stay. Well on one of her tours the 4 star hotel that she booked scheduled the incorrect amount of rooms. Of course this was an issue and a potential black eye on the tour. Her mother, being the firecracker that she is, went downstairs and balled out one of the hotel managers. After a bit of a hellacious exchange the rooms are confirmed and she goes back up to her room.

The next day, feeling a bit ashamed of her actions, she goes back downstairs and apologizes for her actions. He, the manager, subsequently asks her out to coffee, which is the thing in Miami. Coffee becomes dinner and dinner becomes more dinner. 6 weeks later they get married. 18 years later they are stilled married. They took the leap of faith, faith in love and they're winning. Just to go out on faith, without being overly pragmatic, is what makes my romantic engine run. My Heroes.

Please feel free to leave examples of your romantic heroes in the comments section.

Love's Embrace

So I've been gone for about a month. Interestingly enough that coincides with the amount of time that has passed since my girlfriend broke-up with me. Now I don't say that as a point of pity or to illicit words of sorrow (although I thank anyone for their kind words), I only state this as a point of fact. I'm not bitter, I'm not mad. As a matter of fact it was the easy, warmest, most loving break-up I've ever been a part of. I understand the reasoning, as best I can, and part of me agrees with why it happened. (She's at that age where she had to go and negotiate life on her terms). I get it, I agree. Now while I can wrap my head around this idea, it is a bit harder to wrap my heart around the reality. To envision yourself with someone, now and for the future, and to have that not work out is hard; as I am sure many of you can attest to. Its especially hard when you are a romantic like I am. No I don't me flowers and candy every week, I mean romantic in the sense that I believe in the power of Love. I enjoy the idea of Love. I enjoy being in Love. I enjoy expressing how I feel and putting action behind my words and feelings when I am in a relationship. Sometimes the only way to heal from the sting of a love unfinished, or finished, depending on how you look at it, is to, at least for me, embrace those things about the relationship or relationships you've had that you love. These things, these sentiments, may sound a bit soft, corny, sugary, flowery, gay, or any other adjective that you can think up. They may sound romantic, loving or inspired. Whatever the case I just look at them as being a part of my understanding of love, my enjoyment of Love's design and what I hope to find again, in a sustaining, loving relationship. This is part of my healing process. So instead of creating a bunch of facebook status updates about it, I've decided to create a series that expresses what I love. I call it Love's Embrace, and from time to time when I'm feeling blue, or just when they come to me I will put them on the blog.

After all part of being a gentleman for me is to embrace what hurts, embrace whats loved and to become stronger, better for it.

I love the art of the talk, especially when its somebody worth listening to...Oh yea, I love hanging on her every word.


Even though I turn away when I sleep, I love the feeling of reaching behind me in the night, touching you and realizing that you are still there.


I love not getting it but getting you.