FOR JACKIE because she's been wanting me to post for weeks. Feel better, Be better.
I think its inevitable to write about things that are going on in your life. Well as you all know one consistent theme in my life, at this point, is love, or the releasing of love and the revaluation that release causes. The fact that love and the surrounding issues are so nuanced I could write about love day in and day out and not do the same post twice. So here I go again. For a while I wanted to create a post that spoke to the idea that age/stage is a key issue when not only falling in love but being in a strong committed, sustained relationship that last for a significant amount of time. The reason I use the term significant is because I don't believe that good, loving relationships will always last forever. While a relationship that last 25 years and ends in a divorce is sad, I also think its bit of a triumph. Truthfully, how many partnerships can you say actually last for that long, not many; and for this reason I believe that relationship to be successful, in some form or fashion.
I digress, over the course of the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about a couple of things. The first is how important age is to love. While there is no specific time table that measures experiences and growth, there are stages that typical correlate to the age of a person. Typically, as I've found the younger you are the more ideal your design of love. With youth comes that notion that love will always be that burning fire, those butterflies that flutter every time you see him/her or think his/her name. As a romantic I can truly appreciate this. While passion, that deep burning is important, with age or better yet depending on the stage of life you are in you begin to realize that that feeling will burn down, down not out, over the course of time. The blazing fire will become a pile of smoldering embers, popping sporadically to remind you of how much you still love the person you are with, what it felt like to be new and in love and that you are still in love. With the idea of commitment, the idea that you will be with someone for the rest of your days (ideally and hopefully), the understanding that they and you will be there, with and for each other, the newness and uncertainty that leads to butterflies is replaced by the comfort and tranquility that that person is there and always will be.
However the caveat is that you must be at a certain stage in life to understand and appreciate this. That stage, typically but not always aligned with age, that leads to forever because you've done "for right now", and you've moved on. Its that stage where you want to share life instead of taking it on by yourself. When you get to that stage and know it, not in theory but in practical certainty its a beautiful thing. Because that takes time I offer some advice that I heard, oddly enough on television, that I would give my sister, my students or any female loved one to carry with them and unwrap when the time is right, and that stage has come.
The first came from the show Las Vegas. Yeah I know its not a place where you would expect to find good advice, but this was some I agreed with and would pass on. Two women, one older and widowed, the other younger and unattached talk relationships. The older ask the younger about her love life, and the response is to the effect that she can't seem to get that on track, she can't compromise. The older lady then responds that finding a happy relationship and creating a happy, successful marriage isn't as much about compromise as it is about finding someone who honestly takes joy and pleasure in watching you do the things you love to do. I think that that is important and worthwhile. Finding a partner that honestly takes happiness in your happiness is key. As a man who has been in love I took a great deal of joy watching, enjoying and participating in those endeavors that my significant other loved doing. While it hasn't worked out (finding the one) yet this is something that I will take with me to each significant relationship from here on out. Be mindful that it works both ways, but I'm speaking directly to the women in my life, those who have been in my life or those who have been nice enough to read this blog.
The second came from a webclip I saw of The View, yes that The View. Anyway, the panel was discussing an internet list of things women should discuss with their teenage daughters. Some of it was a bit out there, but plausible, like 7 ways to say no to anal sex, others were on point. This one was on point. It struck me because it is something that I would tell my sister, my students or anyone I loved. "When you marry (commit) to someone make sure its someone that genuinely cares about you, because when the passion and love fade the caring will remain until the passion and love return." I just think that is profound. Sometimes we go with what feels good, what feels amazing, no matter how temporary and we do it at the cost of that which is enduring, sustaining and nourishing. Like I said before, I've been in love, parts of me still love them, but what allows me to be able to say with all certainty that if someone I loved needed me to do something, I would, it's because I cared, I care and I still do. So to my sister, my students, my friends and former loves, find that one that loves you, loves hard but make sure they care even harder, because in 1 year, 10 years, 20 years when you hit a rough patch caring will be the reason that they pick up your favorite candy bar while at the store just to make you feel better. Caring is the reason you stay around when you love someone but you don't like them (at that moment in time). Caring keeps you there.
I think its inevitable to write about things that are going on in your life. Well as you all know one consistent theme in my life, at this point, is love, or the releasing of love and the revaluation that release causes. The fact that love and the surrounding issues are so nuanced I could write about love day in and day out and not do the same post twice. So here I go again. For a while I wanted to create a post that spoke to the idea that age/stage is a key issue when not only falling in love but being in a strong committed, sustained relationship that last for a significant amount of time. The reason I use the term significant is because I don't believe that good, loving relationships will always last forever. While a relationship that last 25 years and ends in a divorce is sad, I also think its bit of a triumph. Truthfully, how many partnerships can you say actually last for that long, not many; and for this reason I believe that relationship to be successful, in some form or fashion.
I digress, over the course of the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about a couple of things. The first is how important age is to love. While there is no specific time table that measures experiences and growth, there are stages that typical correlate to the age of a person. Typically, as I've found the younger you are the more ideal your design of love. With youth comes that notion that love will always be that burning fire, those butterflies that flutter every time you see him/her or think his/her name. As a romantic I can truly appreciate this. While passion, that deep burning is important, with age or better yet depending on the stage of life you are in you begin to realize that that feeling will burn down, down not out, over the course of time. The blazing fire will become a pile of smoldering embers, popping sporadically to remind you of how much you still love the person you are with, what it felt like to be new and in love and that you are still in love. With the idea of commitment, the idea that you will be with someone for the rest of your days (ideally and hopefully), the understanding that they and you will be there, with and for each other, the newness and uncertainty that leads to butterflies is replaced by the comfort and tranquility that that person is there and always will be.
However the caveat is that you must be at a certain stage in life to understand and appreciate this. That stage, typically but not always aligned with age, that leads to forever because you've done "for right now", and you've moved on. Its that stage where you want to share life instead of taking it on by yourself. When you get to that stage and know it, not in theory but in practical certainty its a beautiful thing. Because that takes time I offer some advice that I heard, oddly enough on television, that I would give my sister, my students or any female loved one to carry with them and unwrap when the time is right, and that stage has come.
The first came from the show Las Vegas. Yeah I know its not a place where you would expect to find good advice, but this was some I agreed with and would pass on. Two women, one older and widowed, the other younger and unattached talk relationships. The older ask the younger about her love life, and the response is to the effect that she can't seem to get that on track, she can't compromise. The older lady then responds that finding a happy relationship and creating a happy, successful marriage isn't as much about compromise as it is about finding someone who honestly takes joy and pleasure in watching you do the things you love to do. I think that that is important and worthwhile. Finding a partner that honestly takes happiness in your happiness is key. As a man who has been in love I took a great deal of joy watching, enjoying and participating in those endeavors that my significant other loved doing. While it hasn't worked out (finding the one) yet this is something that I will take with me to each significant relationship from here on out. Be mindful that it works both ways, but I'm speaking directly to the women in my life, those who have been in my life or those who have been nice enough to read this blog.
The second came from a webclip I saw of The View, yes that The View. Anyway, the panel was discussing an internet list of things women should discuss with their teenage daughters. Some of it was a bit out there, but plausible, like 7 ways to say no to anal sex, others were on point. This one was on point. It struck me because it is something that I would tell my sister, my students or anyone I loved. "When you marry (commit) to someone make sure its someone that genuinely cares about you, because when the passion and love fade the caring will remain until the passion and love return." I just think that is profound. Sometimes we go with what feels good, what feels amazing, no matter how temporary and we do it at the cost of that which is enduring, sustaining and nourishing. Like I said before, I've been in love, parts of me still love them, but what allows me to be able to say with all certainty that if someone I loved needed me to do something, I would, it's because I cared, I care and I still do. So to my sister, my students, my friends and former loves, find that one that loves you, loves hard but make sure they care even harder, because in 1 year, 10 years, 20 years when you hit a rough patch caring will be the reason that they pick up your favorite candy bar while at the store just to make you feel better. Caring is the reason you stay around when you love someone but you don't like them (at that moment in time). Caring keeps you there.
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